moonwalker

I guess this day doesn’t hit everyone the way it hits me. I have a picture in my bedroom of a Lt. my hubby was deployed with. He was buried in Arlington a few months back. My husband and him were good friends. He has countless pictures and video clips taken with his digital camera that my father-in-law put on a cd and sent to his grieving mother and brother.

I’ll never forget how, during my husband’s first deployment, my upstairs neighbor wouldn’t leave her house for three days. Her husband held his battle buddy in his arms while he died. Their convoy had been attacked.

I’ll also never be able to fully comfort my husband from the memories of when his camp was attacked. As a medic, he had to help move the bodies. His friend, which he eventually found out who he was by his id, had no face left. There were others.

I’m bitter thinking about how people are enjoying their day off with bbqs, shopping sprees, days at the lake, etc. Being bitter is counter-productive. But I do want to ask that people stop and think how important this day is.

I guess I’m coming off all preachy. I can’t help it…

It’s safe to say that I am having a blue day, but I’m not really depressed or serene, just out of it. I don’t feel tired or awake. I don’t feel hungry or full. I don’t know how I feel! Although it’s safe to say that I feel like a stranger. I’m wearing jeans, comfortably, that actually look kinda hot, I’ve never fit in these jeans like this. No belly buldge, not too tight in the thighs, and the booty is fab! Top that off with a size L tank top and I’m feeling off. I did it. I’m losing weight and inches. I’m doing what I wanted to do. So why does it feel so surreal?

I didn’t exercise yesterday and doubt that I will today. I have no fire, no motivation. Although I should. I made it here! And I’ll do more! I guess it’s safe to say that until the hubby gets here, I’m going to feel apprehensive. Going to war does things to you. Coming back to the states is a whole different world. I’ve heard it all, researched it, talked to my hubby and other soldiers, and other things like that. Plus, seeing him makes me nervous. Am I really what he wants? Why the d*mn self-esteem issues again! WHY!?

I’ve been praying and praying. I prayed against depression. I thanked God for who I am and where I am. I thanked Him for how I’m improving my life, asking him for guidance all along the way. I’m doing all I think I can do, including burdening you guys with my fears. Sorry! I just have to get it out.

I heard “Stand by Me” yesterday and let the tears roll. I need to get the feelings out more. Turn the page and move on.

Yeah, it’s an off day, but in a good way. Weighing in at 190 was no fluke. I’m still there! I was so excited this morning that I decided to give myself the day to clean- vacuum, mop, dust, laundry, etc. I can work up a decent sweat making this house look magazine ready. It’s not like the house is filthy (exception- my daughter’s room), but I need to get it looking good because it makes me feel more settled.

The hubby called yesterday and put all my concerns to rest. Thank goodness! We didn’t even fight over money. It’s like being married to a stranger, but I love that’s it my hubby. Oh you have no idea what the past 8 years have been like…

A question I just want to throw out there. Does anyone else get totally exhausted in the afternoons? By 3, I feel ready for bed. Second wind hits right after dinner. I sleep between 8-10 hours a night. I eat right. I exercise and take my vitamins. I don’t drink caffeine in the afternoons b/c I only drink water, but I end up drinking a LoCarb Monster most afternoons. I hate how it feels! Like I can’t move and I just want to sleep. At first, I considered depression. A neighbor mentioned sleep apnea. For the most part, people are as confused as me. I’d love any feed back on beating this. Thanks!

Being a tomboy, it feels weird to sit here all “made up” for no reason other than trying to see the beauty in myself.  So why cover it in make up?  Well, there’s no real answer for that.  I’m trying to force myself to see myself.  Know what I mean?

When my hubby was last here, at the beginning of Feb, I weighed 209 lbs.  Now, right before his return, I weigh 190.  As he pointed out, that’s 20 lbs since he last saw me!  20 lbs in 3 months.  Not too shabby.  But I don’t see a difference.  Sure, I’m smaller and losing inches, but I can’t see it day-to-day.

And I should.  Everyone else does.  But there’s the fat chick in me telling me to quit trying, it doesn’t matter.  I’m not pretty.  I’ll never be thin.  I might as well enjoy food instead of life.  You know that voice.  It’s so d-mn self-defeating!  I’m so sick of being sick of myself.  So I put on the make-up and force myself to see me.  The hazel eyes, the freckles, the dissapearing double-chin, my Native cheek bones.  I want the reality to sink in.  No, I’m not ugly.  No, I’m not fat.  I’m not a lot of other things.  I’m a pretty woman dissapearing inside my own insecurities.

Why is it that it’s so easy to love and accept others, regardless of their size of comparitive beauty, but we can’t look at ourselves and be kind?  It always surprises me when someone mentions wanting to lose weight.  It doesn’t occur to me that they should.  I don’t see people that way.  But I see it in myself.   And now that I’ve lost some, it’s just not real.  I don’t feel any different than I did 25 lbs ago, except that now I can walk easily.  Sometimes I can almost run.

Other than that, I did weight train lower body today with cardio.  Tomorrow I’m going out for a bike ride.  Hopefully 12-14 miles.  :)  I forgot how long the trail is.  I may have hit the first goal, but I got quite a few more to go!  Plus, working out fills up this new space in my day.  I just do it, like drinking coffee or brushing my teeth.  Sometimes I even look forward to it.

I finally, finally, finally got down to 190.7!!!  I wanted to hit 190 at the end of this month, but ahead of time is just as good!

I want to hit 180 in Augusta and 170 in November.  I would love to be 170 for my brithday (Nov. 1) this year.  I’m guessing I’ll be a size 12 and I NEVER was a 12.  I just blew up fast having babies.  This will be exciting! 

I am trying a calorie shifting trick.  I eat a small, protein/carb/fruit breakfast because that’s all my body wants.  I work out about 1/2 hr after breakfast.  So by 11:30, I eat a big lunch.  I put in carbs/veggies/fruit/protein.  I eat a big salad to really fill myself up b/c I’m so hungry after working out.  For dinner, it’s small, like a lunch usually is, and I cut out carbs unless I plan to run the next day.  I did this b/c my body suggested it.   Then I read that it’s called calorie shifting and your body just responds to it better.  :D  Neat!

I weight train a few days a week, bike ride, power walk, still learning to run, do yard work, Pilates- whatever.  My goal is an hour of activity a day, which I, in all fairness, manage 3-5 times a week.  Still, it’s a whole ‘nother world from where I used to be.  I’ll just keep going, slow and steady.

I’ve been m.i.a. here b/c I was sick and didn’t want to post my failures.  But I finally got my butt in gear and did some stuff, so I’m going to catch up.

Exercise:

Monday- walk/run, Wii Fit, ab work- total 1 hr

Tuesday- upper body weight train, cardio- total: 1 1/2 hr

Wednesday- power walk, Wii Fit, ab work- total: 1+ hr

Thursday- off day, body was sore and weak

Friday- 20 minutes Wii Fit before breakfast (heard you rev up metabolism by working out first thing).  I meant to do more, but depression swooped in.

Food was good all week, until Friday night when I gorged on pizza.  I just had a pity party, which is a total long story.  It mainly boils down to the hubby is deployed and I feel, well, useless would be a good word.

I weighed in at 193.6 this a.m.  A totally awesome new low.  I also lost 3/4 in off my waist.  Yes!  I thought I could tell a difference!  My goal is 190 and/or size 14 for when the hubby visits, tenatively, June 6.

My goal for next week is to exercise an hour a day, at least 5 days a week.  And to follow my eating plan.   It’s not much and I’ll make it! 

Yes, I’m a sick girl.  Mean, evil sinus infection.  I think I’m mostly over it.

Needless to say, there has been no exercise since last Thursday, except last night.  I did 30 minutes free step on the Wii- 3,139 steps!  Woo!

I’m trying to get better and I’ll exercise in the comfort of my home when I get the energy.  I don’t want to risk picking up something else at the gym.  Or the store.  I don’t even really want to leave the house.

In good news, I bet the plateau and finally hit 194.4 this morning!  That was my Monday goal, but I’ll take it.  I drank too much alcohol over the weekend, and when I finally got water in me, my body held onto it b/c I dehydrated myself.   I KNOW better.  So I’m sitting out a party this weekend so I can take care of me.

In all of this, I’m doing my best to eat right.  I want to succeed.  Every day I have to drive by McD’s 4 times to get the kids to/from school.   I pretend it’s not really there or try to imagine nasty dripping grease.  LOL!  Hey, whatever works!  I’ve done an amazing job of avoiding fast food and pizza delivery.   In my mind, I should be at least 190 by now.  And who knows where I’d be without weight training?  But I like the weights, now that I know what I’m doing, that is.

April:

Start: 197.3

End: 194.4

Total: 2.9 lbs lost!  2.75 inches lost!

Ugh. I feel like crap!

First off, I have this sinus infection that is making me feel like I have fluid in my ears [so maybe I do?]. It makes me feel off balanced. I took some meds and now I can at least breathe! I just have trouble hearing. It’s really difficult to concentrate.

Secondly, I went on a drinking marathon this weekend. OH MY GOSH! Friday night it was beer, beer, beer and a couple shots of Everglo. Last night it was bourbon, vodka, beer, more vodka, on and on and on! I have never been so giggly and happy in my life. I even tried dancing! So count that as my exercise for the weekend b/c that’s all there is since Thursday!

The third thing is food. I’m sick. Not really hungry. I haven’t had a balanced meal since Friday lunch time. Usually drinking makes me eat something greasy, like Waffle House. Not this time. I’m lucky to get food in me. Example- my dinner tonight was a Fiber One bar. It’s the only thing around me that looked edible!

The last thing is the kicker. I’m confused. So confused. My brother runs track and he came by to give me tips and show me stretches. He says not to run longer than 10 minutes on weight training days. So, what’s more important- the weights or running? Furthermore, I’m not even a good runner yet. So can I practice running and do weights on the same day? He doesn’t think so. Oh, what to do?

Running is the best thing to happen to me in a long while. It’s the best natural high for me. I feel like I’m accomplished, strong, and sexy. I feel like I beat the odds and stood up for myself. [Which is actually true.] It’s addicting. I am going to give up cigarettes for running. I’d rather run and feel amazing than smoke a cigarette, enjoy it, and need another one in 30 minutes or so.

My brother also said that to lose weight, 30 minutes of exercise 3 times a week is enough. Hmmm? I told my father-in-law who bluntly told me, “That’s loaded because men lose weight easier than women.” Point. I just feel pressured. I want to run. I want to weight train. I want to excel at both, in time. My trainer wants me on the weights 4 times a week. I need to practice running about 3 times a week. [It’s a sliding scale for beginners. Walk 5 minutes, run 5 minutes, etc. Which I can’t even run 5 whole minutes yet!] That’s 7 days a week. I don’t have the help I need on the weekends to get out and do all that. So, what do I do?

It used to be that I would avoid exercise. Now I’m trying to max it out without killing myself. Ha ha ha! My mom accuses me of always making things seem worse than they are. No, mom, I just don’t want a sports injury. I’m a heavy girl. On the other hand, I’m a strong girl. I need someone to talk to outside of the gym trainer and my brother. I’d like some answers that aren’t biased.

*sighs*

That’s where I’m at. I feel nervous about the weigh-in tomorrow. I feel stupid about some of the things I did last night. And I’m behind on housework. Maybe I should run tomorrow. That always ups my energy and I can get more done!

So, while I was in a frantic rush this morning to get my kids ready for school (thank goodness for my back-up alarm), I did manage to walk into my bathroom and look at the mirror long enough to see myself.

And I scared myself!

No, no. I’m not hideous. The random sweet person goes so far as to call me pretty. What I saw was my face, totally bleached of color. My eyes aren’t sparkling. I’m sick! I don’t know if it’s a cold or sinus infection or allergies, but I have no energy or color.

I’ve known for 2 days that this was coming. I look exhausted. I FEEL exhausted. There’s so much I want to do today. I can’t get off my butt!

Needless to say, that after 3 days of weight training, I’m taking the day off. Besides, I don’t want to be at the gym picking up germs if my immune system is already busy. Just pray for me because I end up in the ER on average once a year with some weird strain of something they never can diagnose. I get a bag of meds, including an inhaler and Robitussin with codeine. I can’t have that! I have kids to raise ALONE!

I would be upset at my inability to do something, but I have a progress report.
1. Less hanging arm fat.
2. I thought weight training would bulk me up, but my forearms are toning up and looking down-right feminine. They haven’t been this small and tone since high school!
3. The back fat is shrinking.
4. The belly is getting smaller.
5. My inner thighs are totally transformed from nastiness to real legs.
6. Oh, and I guess it’s good, but my ghetto booty is getting smaller all the time. ? ? Ha ha! I don’t know!
7. I actually am resembling a woman with a figure. The hubby will be shocked! I know I am!

I did some research last night on losing weight while weight training. I learned that a lot of woman had to ditch their ideal weight for fit and trim bodies. I know that I will lose some weight. Probably closer to 150 than 140, though. Whatever! I’ve been solo weight-training since March 11. One month and 12 days and I have a whole list of progress reports. I’d rather lift weights (or use machines, haven’t done much free weight stuff YET) than waste all day on cardio. Yes, I do cardio. *sighs* How to explain myself? LOL! I’m around kids all day. I need adult communication.

At the end of the day, when I crawl into bed sore and achy, I feel good. I feel accomplished. I did lunges and squats yesterday and told my trainer I wouldn’t be able to walk today. BUT I CAN! I don’t hurt in my knees like I did when I was doing them. I keep thinking of myself as a machine. I can push and push and just end up bettering myself. It’s crazy.

Exercise Today: walk/to from gym, 8 min warm-up cardio, lower body weight train with trainer (learned a new routine), 15 min cardio Total time: 1 hr 15 min

Weight: I logged on the Wii this morning because I had set a challenge to lose 4 lbs in 4 weeks. Not only did I not meet the challenge, I seemed to have gained a lb since Monday! So I’m at 196. Ugh. I complained to my trainer and he told me “muscle!” No way was I gonna high-five on that! I’m so sick of gaining muscle! I’m shrinking and I feel better. But let the numbers drop every now and then, huh? Seriously…  [And yes, I’m eating right.]

Soreness: Um, what part of me doesn’t hurt? Weight training and running takes a toll on my big self. *sighs* I know I’m doing the right thing. I’ll keep going.

Motivation: Basically, where I’m at now, I never dreamed I’d be at. I can “run”, weight train by myself, and eat healthy. There is no way a year ago I would have done this. I know. I had the same opportunities then as I do now. I looked back at my journal from last year. I wrote I was 192 lbs. Oh really? ‘Cuz I’m finally in clothes I’ve never worn. Clothes that have been sitting in my closet for 3 freakin’ years. And that’s why weight doesn’t matter too too much.