moonwalker

TOM is here and I hurt bad!  Hoping that Ibuprofen will have me walking tall again soon.  Yes, I hurt so bad that I don’t want to move.  :(  Oh, and for added fun, it started yesterday, on Easter.  How miserable!

Last Monday I hit 195.8.  So, of course, today I weighed 197.3.   Still, wow!  One of my biggest struggles has been to keep myself under 200.   I said I never wanted to leave Onederland again.  I’m just up 1.5 lbs.  Not bad for TOM!  Hopefully I’ll be able to weigh later this week and have something to show for myself.

Being stuck in the 190’s is fairly laughable.  Beats bouncing around in the 200’s!  I can’t wait till I’m stuck in the 180’s.  Point is, I’m getting there slowly just like I’m supposed to.

I looked up some motivation last weekend when I felt crabby [and now we know why].  I stumbled across weight-loss tips.  The staples- eating right, sleeping enough, water, etc.  Then I found one I really liked.  It said to keep your goals small.  Almost tiny.  Some of us think, “Man, I’ve got 60 lbs to lose!”  Be careful with that!  Be careful with the stress involved.  Instead, say “This week, I’m going to watch my cals and exercise.  I want to lose ONE pound.”  End of story.    Well, that’s my new idea.  No more crunching numbers like the math wiz I am.  I just want to lose one solid pound a week.  Each day I exercise, I can pat myself on the back for creating the calorie defecit that contributes to weight loss.  It’s time I feel good about me for a change!

Although I sincerely hope to be less than 196.3 next Monday, I’ll set the rule in place today.

I want to lose 1 lb this week.  

Now I better get to work! 

Life has started to center on weight loss and working out.

It’s like I lost myself out there.

I can’t concentrate longer than 5 minutes on something unless I think it might better me.

I don’t watch t.v. or movies.

I don’t drink for fun anymore.

I traded books for Fitness and Prevention like magazines.

I watch every bit of food that goes in my mouth.

Yesterday I ate barely over 1200 cals.  I just wasn’t hungry.  And I’m freaking out because I can’t decide if that’s NORMAL or not.

I find myself staring at my kids, trying to figure out how you would shove a 4 1/2 ft 7 yr and old and a 4 ft 5 yr old into a double stroller so I can go freakin’ exercise!  I resent being tied down.

My hubby is still in Iraq.  Next month will be a year.  If I could drop the kids off for an hour somewhere…. but I can’t.  I’m so damn stuck!

I KNOW I am obesessively focusing on weight loss.  I’ve calculated bmi, bmr, calories to mantain, lose, and gain, and calories burned while exercising.  I’ve gone as far as to average if I find a difference in formulas.   And to do this several times a day, just to make sure.

So far I’ve lost a few lbs, but that that doesn’t seem like much b/c it’s covering old territory.  I’ve lost 11 inches since Jan 12 and that’s the only thing that has me hanging on.

I’m so exhausted.  I feel so not myself anymore.  Does this go away?

I’m actually crying and I have to admit that I’m depressed.  I know something is wrong.  But why, oh why?

Where are my endorphins?

It doesn’t seem to matter how much I do right.  In the end, I can’t escape.