moonwalker

I haven’t heard from my hubby since yesterday morning at 6:22 a.m.  I don’t know where he is, how long it takes, or anything!  I run to the phone every time it rings.  I’ve been cleaning and pacing and forcing myself to eat.  But there is almost NO chance of me really doing anything today.  You know, exercise wise.  I’m trying to stick to my diet, but find myself not hungry.  I battled and mostly got rid of a migraine.

I’m frantic, honestly.

I have  no idea where my man is.  Kuwait?  Germany?  Ireland?  Atlanta?  He could be here any minute!  Or tomorrow.  It’s not like him to not call.  I have no idea what flight schedule he’s on.  No ideas about delays or (Heaven forbid) other, um…. accidents?  I’m sure he’ll be fine.  I just want to see him.  Badly.

I was hoping to have something happy to blog about today.  Instead, I’m just ranting.  Sorry.

I haven’t seen my hubby since Feb and he’s due to fly in any day now.  Maybe even tomorrow!  I called my mom to help me clean house, which she kindly did.  Not everything is done and I feel so stressed!

I tried to eat well today.  I didn’t do too  bad.  I didn’t eat the five or six small meals, but 3 regular ones and I had some 100 cal ice cream for desert.   My exercise consisted of 20+ minutes on the Wii Fit and mad cleaning.  I feel so tired and I want to do so much more!

TOM’s got me pretty miserable with cramps in my lower back.  I had labor there too.  The pain is extreme.  All the vacuuming and lifting and moving and taking out trash and cleaning those hard-to-reach places hasn’t helped at all.  Neither has Naproxen.  I hope my man gets her soon!  I busted my butt today!  He’ll make me feel good, no matter the mess in my house.

And, oh, won’t he be surprised by these tight new muscles I’m forming?  I am!

So, I haven’t been on this site in, like, over a year!  I guess I ditched and ran, like I do with all sorts of things.

How ’bout an update?

I currently weigh about 200 lbs- in the 199 to 201 range, at least.  I would say I’m back to the beginning, but I’ve been going to the gym since Jan. 7 and can see my body improving.  I’ve gained at least a lb of muscle.  I feel much stronger and active now.  :)  And my thighs and glutes are definitely looking better.

I’m on an eating plan that’s sorta like the diabetic diet, some common sense, and the rest is made up with good intentions.  I’m doing well on it.  The healthy stuff is really filling.  But I found out yesterday that I’m not really looking at enough options.  I didn’t even eat enough cals yesterday!  Grr…. You do one thing, but can’t do another.  If I don’t go to bed too hungry, I call it a day.  I need to lose 20 lbs to get past pre-diabetes.  Work work work!

I work out 6 days a week in some way, shape, or form.   Elliptical skier, yoga, Wii Fit aerobics, personal trainer.  I like to work out at a minimum 40 minutes a day.  Sundays I totally chill on diet and exercise.  Well, not totally.  I have this inner voice keeping me level.

I ditched college after I got so stressed the doc stuck me on Valium and told me to chill.  I live life with a poker mentality.  I’m either all in or fold.  He told me to go to school half-time and I just quit after that semester.  I can’t do much of the middle-ground.  I’m not good at that in life or in love.

That’s where I am now!  Back to the old plan, but better at it.

I tried to think of a witty title about being back, and AC/DC popped in my head.

I’ve been avoiding this, and I really appreciate the ones who left messages while I was gone. I haven’t read my e-mails yet. I have been ok, just seriously out of it. Being in school full-time is a lot of work. I don’t like to think about eating right, exercising, and being accountable on top of that. I know I should care more about myself. I’m back in an attempt to do right by myself.

College is a mini-nightmare. One that I’m committed to for a few more years. My odds of getting into the nursing program are great. I just have to keep A’s. I don’t know about the pressure. My husband will be leaving soon, so it will be me and the kids, college, and life. Life. Oh, life is going to drive me insane. I can barely afford to keep my kids dressed and fed, much less deal with what day care charges. I try to keep reminding myself that all college kids are poor. It doesn’t help much…

Sorry about the poor sentence structure, bad grammar, and all. I’m jittery on coffee, not likely to eat a full meal tonight, and haven’t done anything relatively near exercising in over a month. Holiday season is here, my stress is so obvious it should be painful to look at me, finals start Dec. 4, and there’s a million things I should be doing. What’s new?

Y’all, keep me in line while I try to reclaim some of what I’ve lost. I don’t even know what I weigh anymore. [My clothes still fit- score one for me!] We’ll get through the holidays together.

It seems like I can’t get anything done lately.  I have almost no motivation to do anything that doesn’t relate to sleep.

Mid-terms are here too.

Every night that I shower and brush my teeth, I feel accomplished for the day.

I’m really not being melodramatic.

I weighed myself this morning, for the first time in a while, and it said 194.6.  I was shocked.  I really thought I’d have put on the lbs by now.   I don’t eat too bad, but I haven’t really sat down and tried to make things work.  I’m not eating like I should, but I’ve learned enough over the years to make better choices when I do eat.  Sometimes I have to grab a breakfast bar from the student book store just so I eat in the morning.  I know it’s bad not to eat, but I get so caught up with studying, I forget until the hunger pains kick in.  It’s going to pay off, though.  I have an A in 2 classes.  In the other 2, my profs don’t talk grades.  It’s weird.  Most profs get involved and want you to know how you’re doing.  Some just let you hang yourself.  Who knows?

I finally went out with a friend today and went shopping!  I got the cutest dress and it was a 16!  I wear that size usually, but it’s the cut and the fit that would have kept me out of it before.  I feel so powerful in that dress.  I want to wear it everywhere.  I also put a pic of me at my biggest.  My neighbor took one look at it and told me he was proud of me.  I was flattered.  I have changed so much these past few years.   I want to be more comfortable with myself.  I don’t want a “skinny obsession.”  Kinda hard when you have to constantly think about what you eat and wear.  Know what I mean?

And, my dear friends, I will try harder to reply to messages and check in more often.  Just remember, mid-terms suck and I’m struggling to keep my grades up.  Although, some of me couldn’t care less anymore.  Hehe.

Have a good one!

I just wasn’t at the designated stop Monday morning.

And, it’s what? Thursday?

That’s a pretty big uh-oh.

Here’s my story:

I have been depressed, burnt out from school, unable to reach out, and, oh, something else. I couldn’t get my priorities straight. I had my heart set on the wrong things. I let everything affect me negatively. I KNEW it was out of control, and I prayed a lot about it, but I put NO effort into improving. God just doesn’t work that way. I was skipping classes, only doing minimal housework, avoiding school work and friends and phone calls, and lying about it. “Things are great. Under control.” All those fake smiles. Someone should have seen right through me. I never smile that much! Really, I don’t. I’m “serious.”

Ok, 3 days ago, my first prayer was answered while I was washing dishes in a galaxy far, far away. Meaning, I was washing dishes, and happily daydreaming, when I felt the impact of a decision hit me. Ladies and Gents, I have been undeclared and switching majors for 3 years now [not going to college consecutively, though], but I know now that I will be an studying nursing. The last thing I wanted to do has now become my future ministry. And who says He doesn’t have a sense of humor?

I really brightened up after that. But, sadly, it’s easy to fall back into the cycle. Yesterday I was really down. This morning, I took the kids to school. Which is hard for me b/c I am sooooo scared of driving in the rain. As I was leaving my son’s day care, I was backing up and almost couldn’t b/c the parking is so tight. Then this little voice inside said, “Go ahead, hit one. At least that fear will be over.” It was an awful thought, but I started giggling. I don’t even remember completing the maneuver. I did manage without a scrape.

I am really brought down by my anxieties. The list of things that scare me is really long. I have to keep a check on myself, because, if I don’t, I may delve into the world of phobias. As I mentioned, driving in the rain terrifies me, as does driving in general. I also have irrational fears of police, heights, animals, bacterias/germs/viruses/etc. in raw meat/eggs/bathrooms, and losing my children to the system over the tiniest mistakes [not to be vain, but I am a good parent] to name a few. I’m also a little paranoid.

So, the next time you read one of my blogs…. Remember, I think some weird things. But I’m harmless. And clean. LOL!

My kids decided to wake up at 6 this morning.  So I decided I had better too.  You never know…

So a few new things have happened.

My rotator cuff/shoulder issue is almost resolved.  I won’t be going back to the same gym.  But I don’t have to do nothing until then.   [I’m from the South, we just talk that way.]  I’m just soooo glad the pain is gone!  Or almost.

I got new kittens!  I’ll put a pic up one day.  They are black/gray striped with a touch of white.  I named them Anthea [not Athena] and Pandora from Greek Mythology, where my own name and my childrens’ have their origins.  Anthea means “flower, blossom” and Pandora means “gift.”

Since I’m new here, no one here knows I have this all-consuming drive to make A’s in school.   I’m a freshman/sophomore at my local Tech college.  Meaning, 2 of my classes are freshman crap that could be taken anytime and the other 2 are sophomore level I couldn’t take without pre-reqs.   This pic is fuzzy, I know.  Let’s see, I did a semester at another college, and half a semester at another.  When you crunch those credits together, I have 18, and am working on 12 right now.  Point is, I have all these A’s and one B and I want to keep those A’s rolling in.

So I beat myself up, hold marathon study sessions, tutor others in search of better understanding, take practice tests; you name it.  If I haven’t done it, I just might try.   I’m already fairly bright.  I don’t over study on the stupid things.  Not once this semester have I thought “I should have studied harder.”  It’s more like the professors don’t shoot straight.

For example, in Psych, my Prof curved the test 22 pts.  22!  I’ve never heard of such a curve!  I got a 92.  An A.  I think it was his way of saying, “Oh,I didn’t teach you that, did I?”  Because he didn’t.  I went back and checked.

My Law Prof just gave us an exam and the only ?s I missed were the true/false ones.  They were worded terribly [he admitted].  I made and 86, a B.  And the rest of the class I sat there in tears.

Keyboarding and Statistics aren’t like that.  You know it or you don’t.  I love numbers.  I might switch my major to Accounting.  Might…

Ok, if you’ve read this far, then you might be happy to hear this.  ;]  Monday starts things for me.  I got Angie holding me accountable and I’ll get on track with the weight loss.  Just in time for Halloween when all the yummy food comes out.  Ha ha!  I love it.  It’s my favorite holiday b/c I was born Nov. 1.   *wiggles eyebrows*