moonwalker

I did make it to the gym to train. I warmed up for 7 minutes on the skier, weight trained for a little over 30 minutes [[upper body]], then did 17 minutes on the skier. I did leave feeling A LOT better. It broke the mood bubble that’s been floating over me.

As I was warming up, I watched my trainer work with another client. She was on the bench, legs stretched in front of her, doing this pull-back something-or-another that works your back and arms. Then I noticed, God help me, this woman’s quads are amazing! I’d hazard to guess that she’s a runner. She wasn’t big or little, but very muscular. I am in awe of this woman. Especially after she stood up and I saw for myself that she’s in her late 40’s, early 50’s. Yes, I noticed the grey hair, but with those legs…. wow! I have something new to aspire to. I want to work hard and be like that one day.

I came home and practically starved until lunch. I tried to stick to my plan. I might have had an extra serving of protein and I forgot my fruit. Opps! I have NO idea what to make for dinner. I’m currently munching on a mini bag of kettle corn.

I feel like my life is dictated by food. I love to eat! I LOVE it! Does that change? Do you get over it? I could eat all day, get up, and do it again. I think I’m hungry all the time. Food is always in the back of my mind unless it’s in the front. I wonder if I’m really hungry. I try the tricks. Sugar-free gum, distraction, motivation, psyching myself out, etc.

Food, food, food. And not really the healthy stuff. But I’m doing great with avoiding fast food, even on the nights I have bad headaches. I’m not buying all those boxed meals either. I break down about once a week and get a sub and/or breakfast out. I do have an issue with liking fresh fruits and veggies. The issue? I just don’t. Most greens gag me. I don’t find fruit very sweet. I crave sugar and carbs. I’ve never once woken up and thought, “Spinach would hit the spot.” I like spinach on pizza. End.of.story.

I do find it annoying that I’m not magically dropping 20 lbs by changing my eating habits. No, that would be easy. There is no easy. There’s always room for improvement.

I don’t know what lies down the road for me. It’s impossible to remember my skinny days, since I never had any. I just know that I ate right and dropped from a 14 to a 10 in about two months when I was 16. 2 months! And how long have I been at this now? In the end, it doesn’t matter. I am who I am now and I have to change what I need to change now.

And at least I don’t feel like a b**** anymore. Yeah!

I am seriously confused right now. Yesterday, I was angry until about 5 or 6. Then I magically mellowed and the world was a safer place. This morning I’m tired. My mind won’t focus. I feel like I could sleep another day or so. My weight is up and I feel a sinus infection coming on again. And yet I know I’m going to the gym in 30 minutes to get my butt kicked by a trainer. I’m cool with that. I’m actually accepting of that. No pity party for me today.

I hate that my weight went up, but it’s not dictating how I’m responding to the world today. That is amazing.

I also tried something new today. Eating breakfast before taking my kids to school. I usually end up eating a small meal if I don’t b/c I get full on coffee. I want to see how this experiment works. I’m not eating much at all these days. Might be just the time to try that Special K diet. Some days I’m hungry, some days I’m not. There’s not much I can do about that.

I’m not pumped up about the gym today. I honestly feel defeated. I wonder what abuse I’m going to go through today? Upper body, I know that much. *sighs*

I need endorphins…. or a hug.

I have had some serious anger issues this weekend. It’s a long story. The bulk of it is that I had the weekend to myself and I spent it alone b/c my friends bailed on me… again. I am so sick of being alone that I’m taking it more personally than I should. Way more personal.

I’ve been shaking with rage. Then yesterday, I went shopping and blew tons of money. I got all kinds of nice things for myself. A new Polo jacket, Bath and Body works stuff, a $20 bath pillow, new p.j.s, more clothes, a book, expensive shampoo, conditioner and mousse and whatever else struck my fancy. I even bought that Coach purse I wanted! I felt guilty. Then I told my hubby I went out and blew money. I cried. And he told me it was o.k. If he had gotten mad at me, I could have vowed to behave. As is stands, he lets me do what I want so I just feel bad inside. And it’s coming out.

I didn’t exercise since last Tuesday b/c of that bug. And today I could NOT get in the gym. I walked for 15 minutes, just praying to God to help me deal with my problems. Then I came home and had some fun doing aerobics on the Wii. My hubby called, we talked, and I had to shower and get my son. Next was groceries. Then I had lunch out because I could barely eat breakfast and I was starving! I learned that I don’t eat as much as I used to [[yes!!!]], so I didn’t feel too bad.

I weighed in yesterday morning at 197 something. This morning I was at 200 even with another upset stomach. Seriously. Something is wrong with me.

I know that part of my problem is mental. I’m upset. And I think it’s because I’m depressed. I don’t sit around sad. I tend to get angry and lash out. So if you pray, please pray for me, your friend Selena, because I am losing my grip. I don’t like the way I’m acting. I know it’s wrong. If I do something [[like buying that Coach purse]] and feel rebellious, it gives me a momentary “high.” Then I crash on reality and end up hating myself.

This isn’t all about weight loss, but it does tie into the struggle. I need to get my butt back in the gym and work out my frustrations. And, you never know, I might need to get on an anti-depressant again. I usually do when my hubby is gone. I miss him so much!

So I’m going to try this week. Really try. I want better things for myself: mentally, physically, and spiritually. I want it for me and my family.

For the past 2 days, I’ve been down with some sort of bug. Wed. I ate all the really bad, embarrassing comfort foods that got me here in the first place. Thursday I ate a good breakfast and lunch, splurged on afternoon snacks, and had no dinner. I didn’t exercise, but I am finally catching up on housework. [[Yes!! Ha ha!]]

My goal today, specifically for today, is to just eat right. I’ll probably do a Pilates dvd later. Hopefully tomorrow I can get into the gym for some cardio.

After two days out of the game, I just had to weigh myself. I had to know. I weighed 198 even this morning. Just up a few ounces. I’m fairly confident I can lose them by Monday. I just don’t want to gain any more!

I have this weird thing about 200 lbs. There’s this thing in my head that has been focused on getting under it for so long, I used to get complacent if I did. I would fall back into my old habits. I’ve been sick, so I won’t say that I quit again. And I don’t want to! I’m mentally on guard to make sure I don’t stop fighting.

My kids are out of school today. It’s raining. I need some groceries for healthy meals. Looks like I’ll be scrapping things together today! Make the rain stop!

I figured that since I’m back in Onederland, I’d be witty.

I have no idea what my frame of mind is right now. I drank a bit last night [[finally!]], have a tummy ache [[son has it too, must be a bug]], and barely slept last night. I was hot, then cold, then unbearably thirsty… It was weird.

So there’s this new family that moved in down the road. We met at the bus stop where we pick up the kids after school. Their kids are 3, almost 7, and 8. Mine are 5 and almost 8. Blending the 5 of them has been fairly easy, believe it or not. So we decided to cook out last night.

Since I can walk to their house, I decided to let myself chill and drink. I keep hearing that it slows down your metabolism the next day. Guess I’m not screwed in that dept. b/c I have some sort of virus and it’s going to be hard to work out or eat anyway. I had 2 beers and 3 electric lemonades, and laughed and joked and opened up. That’s a huge thing for me because I barely let people get to know me.

Losing weight has helped me in that area. I have to drop the shame and fear and shyness to go to the gym and lift the weight. I went to do triceps press yesterday and the person before me left the weight at 190. I put it on 60 and did my reps. And left it. And then some burly guy went to use it and I didn’t think about it. I have nothing to be ashamed of because I’m actually doing it. I should be ashamed if I kept walking by the machines and not using them.

Working out yesterday was super hard for some reason. I just didn’t have the energy. I felt weak. I did all that I could with good form, then dropped it. I may have been getting sick even yesterday.

If I had a job, I’d call in a sick day.
A. Because I am sick.
B. Because my son is home sick. He threw up.
So I’m calling in a sick day at the gym. Sometimes you have to.

I’m filling out a change of address form because I am NOT going back!  I’m in the 100’s to stay!  I’m so sick of gaining and losing.  Watch me.  I’m through!  I will do it this time!

I weighed in this morning at 197.3 lbs. That’s 3.5 lbs lost this week! I didn’t expect more than a lb loss. The trainer said you gain muscle weight, then you start dropping. I lost a little over a pound these past 2 weeks, so I thought I wasn’t really building muscle. I guess I did! :]

Weird Fact: I lost 3.5 lbs and 3.5 inches in the same week.

So, now, after 40 days, I dropped the weight. 12 lbs gained from bad eating when the hubby was here. It’s time to put this in drive. I’m sick of losing the same weight over and over!

My last goal was to get rid of the weight I gained. Achieved! Now I need to set a new one. 180 is the Coach purse. Let’s split the difference. Hmm… 188.5. Next goal! Not sure what I want to do yet, but it’s something to think about.

Trying to surround myself with positive thoughts. :]

Life has started to center on weight loss and working out.

It’s like I lost myself out there.

I can’t concentrate longer than 5 minutes on something unless I think it might better me.

I don’t watch t.v. or movies.

I don’t drink for fun anymore.

I traded books for Fitness and Prevention like magazines.

I watch every bit of food that goes in my mouth.

Yesterday I ate barely over 1200 cals.  I just wasn’t hungry.  And I’m freaking out because I can’t decide if that’s NORMAL or not.

I find myself staring at my kids, trying to figure out how you would shove a 4 1/2 ft 7 yr and old and a 4 ft 5 yr old into a double stroller so I can go freakin’ exercise!  I resent being tied down.

My hubby is still in Iraq.  Next month will be a year.  If I could drop the kids off for an hour somewhere…. but I can’t.  I’m so damn stuck!

I KNOW I am obesessively focusing on weight loss.  I’ve calculated bmi, bmr, calories to mantain, lose, and gain, and calories burned while exercising.  I’ve gone as far as to average if I find a difference in formulas.   And to do this several times a day, just to make sure.

So far I’ve lost a few lbs, but that that doesn’t seem like much b/c it’s covering old territory.  I’ve lost 11 inches since Jan 12 and that’s the only thing that has me hanging on.

I’m so exhausted.  I feel so not myself anymore.  Does this go away?

I’m actually crying and I have to admit that I’m depressed.  I know something is wrong.  But why, oh why?

Where are my endorphins?

It doesn’t seem to matter how much I do right.  In the end, I can’t escape.

Saturday is tape day. That’s my new ritual to keep my head up in case I don’t actually drop an ounce or gain a few when I weigh in on Monday. Anyway, here’s today’s results. I am down 3.5 inches from last week for a total of 11 inches gone since Jan 12! Freakin’ A! I almost lost a foot of me somewhere!

Since there are some genuinely caring people out there, I’ll tell you were I lost, if you care to read on.

.5 from neck
.5 from upper arms
4 from chest (below bust)
1.5 from waist
2.5 from hips
.5 from thighs
1.5 from calves

Woo-freakin’-hoo!!!!

I can physically see less back fat (I hate those rolls!), less arm jiggle, and less inner thigh “hanging” as I call it. I scrutinize myself in the mirror so that when I work out, I can mentally focus on decreasing the problems that bother me. If I see it in my mind going away, that may be the only thing that helps me finish that last set of weights.

The only thing that annoys me somewhat is the lopsidedness of losing. One calf is more tone. On pectoral is more toned. It’s weird like that. On the other hand, I’m like a walking before/after picture. I’m sure that if I keep at it, I’ll be toned and even when I hit the beach in June.

Excuse my self satisfaction, but YEAH ME!!!

On Feb 16, 2009 I posted a blog about how I was starting on Lipo 6. I’ve been on them for 32 days now and I have to tell you that they aren’t worth a crap! I researched and looked around and just last week found a site that explains with a limited diet and working out 3 hours a day, these darn things can be effective. That’s not the problem. In fact, I never had a problem on them. Some people complained of a racing heart and shortness of breath, a whole list of bowel issues, a chicken taste [[that one was admittedly odd]], and mood swings. I don’t think I actually got any of that.

Why did I quit then? Simple! When I do something right, I want all the credit! There’s this part of me that wants to do this naturally. I just used the pills for the caffeine hype. Now I have confidence. I weight-trained at the gym 3 times this week, I did a day of Pilates, I did one day cardio, and I will do another tomorrow. I DID THAT.

I wish I could warn people of the dangers and tell you how it made my hair fall out and my poo turn purple. Admittedly, it probably screwed with my metabolism, which I’ll have to re-adjust. There’s a month down the drain with that!

But last night it came to me in a flash. The pills have to go. The real Selena has to take a stand and do this for myself by myself. No pill is going to undo the damage I did to myself with food. I’m going to undo all this with the right food and exercise. My body knows how to do this, it comes naturally with the right ingredients. Healthy food, exercise, and sleep.

Exercise: 5 mins warm-up elliptical bike, 30 mins upper body weight training (3 sets of 15 on 8 machines), 18 minutes cardio on elliptical skier

Results: Finally look good in this cute Polo shirt my hubby bought me! I hurt less after training at the gym. And my poor ghetto booty is less ghetto. Still not sure how I feel about that! I kinda miss my butt!

*day 37*

It just drove me crazy. The whole wondering about calorie thing. So I went in and logged what I ate today, following the diabetic diet. I put in all my own food. I’m not interested in their meal plans.

Anyway, I consumed 1801 cals from my allotted 1490-1840 range. Hmm… Not bad. I’m in range with carbs, fat and protein. Amazing! On the other hand, I can’t figure out how to put in all the working out I do. So… blah. I think I’m doing pretty good regardless. It’s interesting to see how many cals I eat!

Do you get less cals to eat when you get smaller? Do you eat less period? There’s always more to learn.

*edit*
I found something that estimates the calories burned today during my time at the gym. 336 cals. My bmr is 1703.6. Added up that is 2039.6. Well over what I ate today. However, it’s only 238.6 over. But bmr means doing nothing, so maybe walking around and, you know, living, will burn the rest of the cals.

Math is not what I wanted to do tonight! LOL! :)  But it is a little exciting!