moonwalker

It seems like I can’t get anything done lately.  I have almost no motivation to do anything that doesn’t relate to sleep.

Mid-terms are here too.

Every night that I shower and brush my teeth, I feel accomplished for the day.

I’m really not being melodramatic.

I weighed myself this morning, for the first time in a while, and it said 194.6.  I was shocked.  I really thought I’d have put on the lbs by now.   I don’t eat too bad, but I haven’t really sat down and tried to make things work.  I’m not eating like I should, but I’ve learned enough over the years to make better choices when I do eat.  Sometimes I have to grab a breakfast bar from the student book store just so I eat in the morning.  I know it’s bad not to eat, but I get so caught up with studying, I forget until the hunger pains kick in.  It’s going to pay off, though.  I have an A in 2 classes.  In the other 2, my profs don’t talk grades.  It’s weird.  Most profs get involved and want you to know how you’re doing.  Some just let you hang yourself.  Who knows?

I finally went out with a friend today and went shopping!  I got the cutest dress and it was a 16!  I wear that size usually, but it’s the cut and the fit that would have kept me out of it before.  I feel so powerful in that dress.  I want to wear it everywhere.  I also put a pic of me at my biggest.  My neighbor took one look at it and told me he was proud of me.  I was flattered.  I have changed so much these past few years.   I want to be more comfortable with myself.  I don’t want a “skinny obsession.”  Kinda hard when you have to constantly think about what you eat and wear.  Know what I mean?

And, my dear friends, I will try harder to reply to messages and check in more often.  Just remember, mid-terms suck and I’m struggling to keep my grades up.  Although, some of me couldn’t care less anymore.  Hehe.

Have a good one!

I just wasn’t at the designated stop Monday morning.

And, it’s what? Thursday?

That’s a pretty big uh-oh.

Here’s my story:

I have been depressed, burnt out from school, unable to reach out, and, oh, something else. I couldn’t get my priorities straight. I had my heart set on the wrong things. I let everything affect me negatively. I KNEW it was out of control, and I prayed a lot about it, but I put NO effort into improving. God just doesn’t work that way. I was skipping classes, only doing minimal housework, avoiding school work and friends and phone calls, and lying about it. “Things are great. Under control.” All those fake smiles. Someone should have seen right through me. I never smile that much! Really, I don’t. I’m “serious.”

Ok, 3 days ago, my first prayer was answered while I was washing dishes in a galaxy far, far away. Meaning, I was washing dishes, and happily daydreaming, when I felt the impact of a decision hit me. Ladies and Gents, I have been undeclared and switching majors for 3 years now [not going to college consecutively, though], but I know now that I will be an studying nursing. The last thing I wanted to do has now become my future ministry. And who says He doesn’t have a sense of humor?

I really brightened up after that. But, sadly, it’s easy to fall back into the cycle. Yesterday I was really down. This morning, I took the kids to school. Which is hard for me b/c I am sooooo scared of driving in the rain. As I was leaving my son’s day care, I was backing up and almost couldn’t b/c the parking is so tight. Then this little voice inside said, “Go ahead, hit one. At least that fear will be over.” It was an awful thought, but I started giggling. I don’t even remember completing the maneuver. I did manage without a scrape.

I am really brought down by my anxieties. The list of things that scare me is really long. I have to keep a check on myself, because, if I don’t, I may delve into the world of phobias. As I mentioned, driving in the rain terrifies me, as does driving in general. I also have irrational fears of police, heights, animals, bacterias/germs/viruses/etc. in raw meat/eggs/bathrooms, and losing my children to the system over the tiniest mistakes [not to be vain, but I am a good parent] to name a few. I’m also a little paranoid.

So, the next time you read one of my blogs…. Remember, I think some weird things. But I’m harmless. And clean. LOL!